The term “binary” comes from Greek, meaning “two,” so “non-binary” means “not one of two”—neither exclusively man nor woman. Non-binary individuals, often called “enbys,” identify as queer in the sense of being distinct or unconventional, but not necessarily “special” or “extraordinary.” To understand non-binary identities and the broader concept of genderqueer, a great starting point is the Genderbread Person:
This charming gingerbread figure explains the differences between gender identity (who you are), attraction (who you’re drawn to, romantically or sexually), gender expression (how you present yourself), and sex (your biological role in reproduction, often tied to anatomy).
As my proper British aunt would say, sex is about “your private parts”—what’s between your legs now or at birth.
To break it down:
Gender identity is who you feel you are when you wake up.
Attraction determines who you want to date or love.
Gender expression shapes what you wear or how you act on that date.
Sex involves your body and is private, shared only with those you choose.
Each of these exists on a spectrum, like ingredients in a recipe. You can mix different amounts of each—identity, attraction, expression, and sex—to create your unique self. Visit the Genderbread Person site to experiment with these combinations and unleash your creativity!
Gender Identity
The brain is considered central to identity, so gender identity—how you perceive yourself—is fundamental. For example, if you identify as a woman, your gender expression, attraction, or physical traits don’t change that core truth. (If you believe anatomy outweighs the mind, that’s a debate for another day.)
Let’s zoom in on gender identity. It’s like a pizza: you might have no toppings (neither man nor woman), a mix of both, or something entirely unique. This creates gender identities that blend “man-ness” and “woman-ness” or exist outside those categories. For a visual explanation, check out this site, which uses “femininity” and “masculinity” to illustrate possible identities:
Note that these are coordinates, not the full map—individual experiences are far more nuanced than a few boxes!
Non-binary people don’t fit neatly into “man” or “woman.” Their gender identity, rooted in the mind, may be reflected in a blend of masculine and feminine gender expression—or not. Their bodies might show a mix of physical traits—or not. When unsure if someone is non-binary, ask respectfully. A polite introduction like, “Hi, I’m Homer Simpson, he/him. What’s your name?” invites them to share their pronouns, such as, “Hi, I’m Alex. All pronouns work for me.”
For a deeper dive, read Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon. This short book, readable in an hour, explores non-binary experiences:
It’s available in English and German at Thalia, Amazon, and other bookstores:
For a more personal perspective, try Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. This novel follows Jess, an AFAB (assigned female at birth) person embracing their non-binary identity. Jess and their lover challenge binary norms, asking why we can’t be as beautiful as dusk or dawn, not just day or night. The book is available as a free PDF.
Enbyphobia, a close cousin of transphobia, assumes a person’s anatomy defines their entire identity. Like trans people, non-binary individuals face invasive questions about their bodies, accusations of being “confused,” or claims that their identity is a “phase” or “attention-seeking.” Some dismiss gender entirely, saying, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” My gender dysphoria strongly disagrees.
Unique to enbyphobia is the insistence that everyone “must be one or the other”—man or woman. While transphobia accuses people of “pretending” to be another gender, enbyphobia denies the existence of non-binary identities altogether. Even some trans people may view non-binary identities as less valid or their dysphoria as less severe. As a result, trans spaces aren’t always safe for enbys.
Whether non-binary identities fall under the trans umbrella is debated. Some enbys identify as trans; others don’t.
What’s with the Pronouns?
You’ve likely heard that non-binary people use “strange” or “made-up” pronouns. The reality is more complex. While new pronouns exist, the singular “they” dates back to the 15th century. Not all non-binary people use gender-neutral pronouns—some use he/him or she/her, others prefer no pronouns, and some embrace options like ze/hir. There’s no universal standard.
In English, “they/them” is the most common gender-neutral pronoun, but others like ze/hir are also used. This site provides an overview of gender-neutral pronouns in English, German, French, Spanish, and more:
Pronouns are part of gender expression, like clothing or hairstyle. Using someone’s correct pronouns is like pronouncing their name properly—a small but meaningful sign of respect. In a community that speaks Arabic, Cantonese, English, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Spanish, Mandarin, and more, learning new pronouns is just a bit of grammar. For language enthusiasts, it might even be fun!
